Read Me

Man Up

2012-01-07T14:24:00.000+08:00

Because one day you will come to realize you have gone too far down the untrodden path, that those and what you knew have become a distant memory that resurfaces as inklings of poignant nostalgia. Then you have to make do with what you have. The past will always return to haunt and you will be at its mercy. There's nothing you can do to alleviate that soul-ripping pain but to brace yourself for it until it's over. And when it's finally over, you pick yourself up and carry on, down the path.

2012-01-01T12:24:00.002+08:00

This is me at 7.30am, with my body clock malfunction.

What An Exciting December!

2011-12-31T08:41:00.002+08:00

I've been meaning to put this up when it was published but didn't for fear of content misconstruction. But here it is now, for remembrance sake, because it is a noteworthy piece.
____________________________________________________________

It's Harder To Be The One Who Leaves
(Grace Yeoh, Thought Catalog)

It’s hard to be the one who stays, so says The Time Traveler’s Wife.

I empathize. I have pined for the unrequited, crawled on broken glass to fix a broken dream and lived a good portion of my teenage years willing a boy to change his mind and come back. There is nothing dignified about the quick fall or slow climb back up; being unable to accept reality nor displaying your battered heart on your sleeve. It is not romantic and hardly noble. It is embarrassing having to publicly piece yourself together, pick up your shame and if all else fails, grab the last cabin of a train and pray no one spots the swollen eyes. Worst of all, it is all degrees of tiring being kept awake by pure yearning and longing.

But it’s harder to be the one who leaves.

Because if your smart decision doesn’t work out the way you have played it out in your head a million and one times, you have no one to blame but yourself. No ‘but he hurt me’ to use as an excuse for lying in bed all day. No warped reassurance of knowing that you always have an outlet to assign all blame for your total misery anyway. You did this to yourself; made your bed to lie in – what’s your excuse?

No one mentions the heartbreakers because there is obviously a clear divide between the ones who break hearts and the ones who get broken. (Except it’s not so simple.) No one talks about how they lie awake in the middle of the night, questioning whether they made the right decision, finally falling asleep from mental exhaustion but with no answers, because no one thinks they have any right to complain. No one asks whether they’re fine, because why should they be anything but good? No one talks about the nonchalant face they have to put up (cue “All Hail The Heartbreaker”), pretending that breaking hearts and dreams is something that came easy. No one wonders whether it hurts as bad to walk away than to be left behind because no one believes it should be painful. At all.

I don’t condone trampling all over an unsuspecting heart and then leaving it for road kill. But in comparison to its counterpart, staying is easy. You cry, you dwell, you fall repeatedly, you eventually get up and get better. Leaving takes courage; it is a one-way ticket for a flight that leaves no room for Regrets or Second Guesses.
____________________________________________________________

And also, a quote from the first chapter of The Great Gatsby.

"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one...just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

Now now, just saying.

Dust

2011-12-23T23:48:00.001+08:00

Because I have uncannily lost the ability to type full cogent sentences in proper paragraphs:

What's your trophy?
Falling behind means you've fallen out of sight, which then means you've fallen out of mind. It's the way the world works.
All relationships are built on trust and lies. There is no honesty without dishonesty.
There's no warrant in trying too hard to be part of a social unit.
It is impossible to be Mr Darcy in this reality.

Ink

2011-11-07T21:35:00.001+08:00

I know of a friend who has contacts with publishing agencies, and he himself has plans to publish his book in, hopefully, two years. Listening to him talk about his book got me roused in publishing a book to call my own.

What would I publish, though? I'm not certain if I have the stamina to write a novel, given my capricious nature. So... short stories? What about my poems? Would my material be consumer-friendly?

In any case... I'm compiling all the writings I've done over the years, and see how things turn out, after my exams.

P.S.: Hear hear, I submitted a pantoum to a poetry competition for my literature module and won (: it's the first non free-verse poem I've written, and IS THIS A SIGN? Hahahahaha

One Night

2011-10-07T00:24:00.000+08:00

One night
When you're looking
At me looking at you
It may be tonight
We'll go walking through
Just me and you

The Only Constant

2011-10-02T23:33:00.006+08:00

You should know beforehand that this entry is entirely pointless.

So I happened to view some photos of myself in my younger days and it dawned upon me how I can never again tolerate the hair length that I used to keep.

Ah, the days of using mobile phones with its awesome ~VGA~ camera.

I must clarify that I was wearing a scarf because it was winter in Taiwan. I do not wear scarves nor any winter apparel in Singapore, thanks.

Though I do know of people who do that for stylistic purposes. I think we should embrace the cold weather that we scarcely get in Singapore.

I was very into my emo phase hence I had to keep a Justin Bieber (who's the trendsetter, huh!) hairdo. It's shocking/surprising how I could have tolerated that much hair on my head.

...when my current hair is already doing its utmost best to annoy me.

Irritating fringe.

I have a lot of backlog and revision to do for school ):

Conformity!

2011-09-19T23:48:00.001+08:00

What is this predicament I've been placed in (or did I place myself into it? Most definitely not consciously and willingly then!)?

By will or by circumstance, we are stuck in this vortex of childish arguments and unintelligent statements. I loathe this.

How many more years?

The First Quadrilateral with Equal Sides

2011-09-09T16:20:00.003+08:00

Think of this as a phoenix.
A myth of cyclical life and death,
a recurrence of pain and euphoria
to be born and killed over and again.
On repeat.

Imagine the phoenix in majestic mid-flight,
a triumphant soaring through
the endless horizon.
"I am Power".
Then it bursts into flames.

The phoenix, almost noble, almost regal,
reduced to ash.
Almost hubristic.

Then it comes back with a vengeance
to conquer again, which it does.
But we know how the story goes.

Is the phoenix ever happy?
Though, I do suspect I'm using
the wrong analogy.

Playing Tag With Winks

2011-08-09T04:52:00.001+08:00

Insomnia, we are such close acquaintances again. It's been a while. Back in those days, I had no qualms about staying up till the sunrise. But really, I ought not be a night owl again.

Not that bad, at least I have been reminded of the beauty of stillness and silence in the wee hours.

Perfect fodder for thought.

To loosely quote Chuck Palahniuk, I do feel like I'm doing a poor impersonation of myself. My thoughts have been scrambled, disorganized and hardly of any worthy content. It's... sad (really, that's the best word description I can come up with).

Maybe it's the passing of time - I haven't been in touch with academic materials for two years. I sincerely believe I am not stupid, but here I am, unable to substantiate my stand to my satisfaction. Pity.

Well, I hope the situation will improve itself when school starts.

Le Sigh

2011-08-03T03:00:00.005+08:00

Food I Crave For When I'm Hungry At Unearthly Hours

Korean BBQ
French food at Fou de Fafa
Pasta
Scones
Beef
Pasta
Korean BBQ
Beef
Ramen

Food Available At Home

Bread
Instant Noodles
Eggs

All That Is Beautiful Is Fleeting

2011-07-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

We are all creatures of change and circumstance.

Five Storey Fire

2011-07-25T01:44:00.000+08:00

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I'd bet on blind
Love is a faith resign
Memories mar my mind
Love is a faith resign

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Variations on the Word 'Sleep'

2011-07-01T19:40:00.003+08:00

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

A Happy Blog Entry~

2011-05-21T00:48:00.003+08:00

The trip to Brisbane was short, but I don't think I could have enjoyed my days any more :) The weather was comfortable at 20°C, the people were awesome, the city was beautiful and everything was just fine and dandy. I had initially planned this trip to be an introspective journey on a foreign land, to write all my thoughts down in a notebook I had specially brought along for that purpose (back to the old times of ink on paper) but I was eventually too caught up with the daily affair that my writings became mundane, and shallow :(

Loved the in-flight entertainment of Emirates :)

Typical of a train station in suburban Brisbane - hardly a living soul about.

My 8 month old niece - Elena

Scones and tea at a little cafe called Tlicious at South Bank.

I left my heart in Brisbane~

Adorable, attention-seeking child full of drool.

At Lone Pine Sanctuary. An hour's bus journey from the city.

Lone Pine was simply beautiful. The weather was beautiful, the grass was beautiful, the animals were beautiful - everything in existence there seemed touched by the hands of God.

A hidden cafe in the town of Paddington. I would become a vegetarian for their food.

Me looking appealing (heh), enjoying my appealing sandwich. I loved how Australians use arugula as their standard salad ingredient. I can eat rocket leaves forever.

I took about 300 photos but I'm too lazy to post them out. All in all, I'm glad to have met my friends over there whom I've not seen in a very long time.

Random excerpts from my 'reflective journal' in Brisbane, slightly abridged:

22 April, Friday, 14:29 - I have never in my life waited so long for a train.

24 April, Sunday, 11.38 - Chilly weather with likelihood of rain. But gosh, how those clouds roll on infinitely in the vast skies here. A beam of sunlight is peeping through the clouds and partially lighting up the area like a stage light. Beautiful, but I seem unable to succinctly describe the beauty I'm seeing now. Am I alone? Yes. Am I lonely? Not at all.

25 April, Monday, 10:37 - I had a really great time at South Bank yesterday. (At this moment, I'm waiting for the train at Banoon station, and the crows are fucking huge and cawing relentlessly.) The day spent with Sod yesterday is exactly the kind of day I want for the rest of my days in Brisbane. Carefree and vagrant.

25 April, Monday, 20:51 - It's interesting to note that apart from allowing eating/drinking/bicycles on trains, no one seems to be bothered by the frequent short power-outages as well.

26 April, Tuesday, 09:28 - A 37-minute wait for the train? Brisbane has outdone itself. Why like that?! I'm hungry for my Devonshire tea, yum yum.

Going through these makes me miss Brisbane and the solitary journeys I took. I am so going back next year.

至高后才了解

2011-05-20T23:50:00.002+08:00

J (ooo cryptic much~) told me that I sound different now. I asked him how different and yeah... I guess I do sound different.

I've never quite believed in empirical deduction for all matters because I stood by intelligent objective understanding and also a prudent mindset. C also agreed that one does not have to experience to know.

We weren't wrong, but the statement was not applicable to all situations. It was an ineffective sweeping statement. That night at Acid Bar when I felt understood and heartened, I now feel foolishly inadequate.

But I'm glad to be learning. I embrace change and even if the process is mind-breaking and character-altering, I know that what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. I don't know when will I finally settle into shape, but I know everything happens for a reason and even if there isn't, there is always blind faith.

And you know how sometimes a person you barely know drops you sound advice your friends would never think to provide? Well, it appears I have to stop being my own destroyer.

-

2011-04-19T00:59:00.002+08:00

I don't even know how to begin.

Back in college, I'd often think to myself when I was studying the characters in literature texts that being a victim of circumstance is by choice. How difficult was it to break free of one's situation in life? Make a choice, and fucking work for it. You can choose to be a victim, or not.

I have been immature and too idealistic. Making a choice involves many other considerations. I regret what I've said and done, and I regret even more not saying what I should have said and done.

And awareness. I told myself I have to be aware of everything, to be in the know. The truth is what matters. But now that I know more than I used to, what is it that really matters? Things have not changed. I am fucking powerless. I have been of no use. I've never felt so vulnerable and torn.

Why am I useless?

We Are All Made Of Stars

2011-04-16T22:08:00.000+08:00

I'd like to think we are all made up of elemental star particles, and that there is continual symbiotic exchange of said particles from one entity to another. Bit by bit, the essence of an entity alters itself through these osmosis-like process which makes it alright to say that no one is the same person as he is a minute ago. Throughout this, this holistic collection of elemental star particles defines the ever-varying and fluid nature of my very being.

I am now, but I will not be after.

Keeping Count

2011-04-09T23:28:00.000+08:00

Books, to date, that I have bought but have yet to read:

The House of Mirth, Edith Wharton (quarter-way through, trying to stay on track)
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
His Last Bow - Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Return of Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Trial, Franz Kafka
Six Thinking Hats, Edward de Bono (latest buy at Borders today, might read in Brisbane)
If On A Winter's Night A Traveller, Italo Calvin
Walden, Henry David Thoreau
Three Men in a Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Ken Kesey
A Portrait of the Artist as A Young Man, James Joyce
Junkie, William S. Burroughs
Nausea, Jean-Paul Sartre
This Side of Paradise, F. Scott Fitzgerald
Spirits of The Dead, Edgar Allan Poe
Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand (was really looking forward reading it and then, I just... didn't)
Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

People do change. The old me would never allow a new book to be un-read for too long. Now, the books just keep accumulating. But I just keep buying more anyway haha.

In unrelated news, today wasn't a feel-good Saturday at all.

Only Yesterday Was The Time Of Our Lives

2011-03-18T16:11:00.001+08:00

At the point of shooting, I had no idea why I just felt like shooting everything in monochrome. On introspective hindsight, I suppose these photographs express what's lacking in my life - life.

I need to learn how to control my emotions effectively, and to always keep my rational mind well above drowning waters. I am very guilty of vile thoughts and I loathe myself for being such a thoughtless retard. I'm trying to improve myself, but sometimes fighting against your nature is simply futile. And then everything goes into a bleak downward spiral of questioning your sense of self.

What is this I can't even.

Thoughts of The Day

2011-03-15T23:17:00.000+08:00

A never-before-seen girl at the Muay Thai class today. I couldn't take my eyes off her.
The boxing instructor whom I look up to is leaving. Today was his last day. I felt sad, but I couldn't muster up the courage to go talk to him and wish him all the best.
I am very fortunate to be living in Singapore.
I need a job.

Deep In The Cell Of My Heart, I Really Want To Go

2011-03-01T22:37:00.000+08:00

Mayo

2011-02-20T13:40:00.002+08:00

So I had yet another dream about running away from chasers last night. Interestingly, I used to term these dreams as nightmares, but over time I just got accustomed the fear and trepidation I experience in my dream scenes.

I was chased by Dementors this time. I was unable to produce a corporeal Patronus. Every time I tried (I must have shouted 'Expecto Patronum!' over fifty times), mere wisps of glowing smoke would emit from my wand. The only thing that kept me from the death kiss of the Dementors was HERMIONE GRANGER who was my sidekick. She was the one who consistently produced her Patronus.

I kept calling her Mayo. I don't understand. She was Emma Watson/Hermoine but whenever my Patronus failed, I would call out to Mayo for help.

Patronus charms are very hard to cast.

Matters Of Consequence;

2011-02-06T11:55:00.001+08:00

You weigh me down.

But One Of Us Misread

2011-01-04T20:26:00.000+08:00

I Have Been A Retard

2010-12-26T21:55:00.001+08:00

Okay, it's entirely my fault. I wasn't open, friendly and comfortable enough. Now you just leave me out? Yes, it was a flaw on my part. Because right now, I'd want to be there. There's this gnarling sensation within me that wishes to punch myself like a punching bag.

There's nothing wrong with being introverted. But you fucking extroverts just make it so damn blatant.

Wonderment

2010-12-08T20:31:00.001+08:00

I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

December Baby

2010-12-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

I think it's been a while since I wrote something proper here. I was being contemplative and it struck me that the year is coming to an end. It's funny how these 'strikes' come to you. You obviously know what's going on, but sometimes you slip into a hyper-emotional state when you seem more cognizant of your situation.

It's like a father watching his child run about, suddenly awed at how much his child has grown when clearly he has been spending every waking moment with the apple of his eye.

Yeah, that's kinda what's happening to me. Where did all the time go to? Have I been spending them wisely and economically? Have I achieved anything note-worthy? I read (stalk) the blogs of other people, they seem to be living, and sometimes I feel like I'm merely existing.

Purpose. The colossal lack thereof. I feel no passion in many things, even in things I thought I enjoyed doing. And I feel sad whenever that realization hits me. I think when someone loses interest in many things, they will naturally seek solace from what they know best or what they love most. Where is my cornerstone?

C understands. C and I can converse at length on various topics and be amazed at how similar we can be of thought and opinion. But C has found her anchor, and I am very happy for her.

In any case, work has been piling up but I am handling it rather well, save for the occasional desire to place myself in a microwave oven and bid goodbye to this cruel world. But it will end =)

Lucid Moments

2010-10-31T03:26:00.001+08:00

I am not sycophantic. I do not pander to others. What affects me is myself. No one else can touch my emotional core unless I allow them to.

But I am childish. I am superficial, critical and mean. I am also jaded and very disillusioned. I don't deserve a lot of things, but I know I cannot live without them, now that I have them.

Happy Halloween.

I Was Unconscious, It Was A Dream

2010-10-15T23:30:00.001+08:00

I’ll let you say I love you
When I know I’ll never say it back
And you open up the floodgates
And wipe the village clean off the map
Yeah, oh wipe the village clean off the map

We sat with the bay-leaves and royalty
Into the part where everything was free
And you inch yourself closer on that leather bench
I stare at the frames while you see the, the banquet scene
I stare at the frames while you see the banquet scene

And all of this because I’ve been screaming girl’s names in the night
I was unconscious, it was a dream
Just let it die, die, die
And you ask me to get blind blind drunk so I’ll sleep the whole night long
And I’ll ask you to stop picking faults cause you’ll miss me when I’m gone

The rope it broke and I fell into the canyon
I run my hand down the arc of your spine
And your heart it aches for the lives that you will never lead
We come and go but someday I will find the time
To Lie beside you for one whole night
To lie beside you for one whole night

Contentment

2010-09-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

Wild Honey; Acid Bar; Great conversation.

I don't want to forget this unprecedented satisfaction I experienced tonight. Such complementing alignment of perspectives and opinions. Such unspoken mutual understanding. I thank God for friends, and I thank God even more for mature, intelligent and like-minded friends.

=)

Of Figments

2010-09-17T19:26:00.003+08:00

I had an odd dream the other day. I was witnessing a plane in flight. The plane was slowing down until it became stationary. In mid-air. For about ten seconds (of estimated dream-time). There was not a sound. Only a visual spectacle of the phenomenon unfolding as I watched. Then it starting moving again. The word that came to my dreaming mind was 'dystopian'. I was thinking to myself: How odd, and, how dystopian.

In my waking moment, I juxtaposed between reality and that dream.

The word was still 'dystopian'.

The Sabbatical

2010-09-14T23:43:00.001+08:00

Below are a couple of (out of the two hundred) photos I edited using Photoshop Lightroom.

I have to say, you kind of become desensitized to the scenic views when you see too many of them.

Role Reversal

2010-09-10T13:12:00.001+08:00

In one aspect, National Service does give females an edge over the males. I used to be your senior, and you'd used to approach me occasionally on matters pertaining to education and sometimes on philosophical issues.

But now I find the tides have turned. You are now pursuing your university education whilst I am still in service. I feel like I'm stagnating but more importantly, I feel like I don't have the right to advise you on many matters anymore because with each passing day, you're experiencing more and more of the world I've yet to enter. And now you're the senior and I'm the junior.

It just feels weird.

Argh

2010-08-28T04:28:00.003+08:00

I deserve to be guillotined. I truly need an overseas trip to think through matters. I am looking forward to Wednesday. I hate myself.

It's forever like this. I get so close, and then a certain inexplicable inertia impedes any further advancement. I hate to use the word but it does feel a little like disgust. I can play around, laugh around, make out and be emotionally comfortable with anyone, but when it comes to a more romantic note, which it always does, I slink back. Involuntarily or not, I do not know. I don't mean to leave things on a cliffhanger.

And then, when it's all said and done, I wonder. I think about all the past few relationships I've gone through and wonder the causation. It's so easy to blame the more-hate-than-love relationship of my parents. But I refuse to delegate myself to that. No matter how dire your family situation is, you have a choice to not be a victim. And I am not a victim of circumstance.

Hahaha this is like THE BIG REVEAL.

Renaissance.

2010-08-21T12:44:00.002+08:00

I had a recurring dream last night whereby I was telling the people in my dream that it was a recurring dream.

I was running away from someone (what's new) who was bent on killing me. I cannot determine the setting or location but it's just me running through a series of labyrinth where I eventually end up in a room.

This room is very peculiar. It looks like a normal room, but in every recurring dream, there is always a different means of escape from the room. In the past few dreams, as much as I can remember, I have escaped through a vault that was hidden behind a cabinet and by the ventilation boards.

The closest the person has gotten to me was mere inches from where I successfully slid down the vault or climbed up the ventilation opening and woke up. Fortunately enough, in my dream, there have always been a brethren of protectors that were just enough to delay that person.

In last night's dream, BFFs were the ones who were directly outside the room, guarding me. Their weapons were a pair of hard plastic rulers each. I could see them waiting in fear from the small glass partitions.

They were the ones whom I said: 'Don't worry, I know what to do, this is a recurring dream.' When I was inside the room, I immediately starting rummaging through everything, looking for signs of escape. I was full aware that it could have been anything, like perhaps a straw where I'd miraculously squeeze myself in and then come out from the other end in a different place.

It's funny how I was able to say that the scene was similar to a recurring dream but I was unable to get a grip on myself that I was in a dream.

'Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.'

Last night's dream was slightly different. I still woke up without the person getting to me, but he wasn't anywhere near me at all. He didn't manage to force open the door, he didn't even manage to fight my BFFs. All that happened was that I spent an inordinately long amount of time searching the room before I woke up.

Which is weird. I never had to spend so much time looking for an escape route. During the process, I unearthed paraphernalia that were vaguely familiar to me.

I'm already coming to 21. Am I ever to grow out of these recurring dreams?

Pylons Bust, Right Outside.

2010-08-01T18:22:00.001+08:00

My life right now is the routine of a day job (8am to 5.30pm) from Mondays to Fridays, driving lessons on weekends and whatever extra curricular activity that comes along.

I was asked if my perpetual cynicism and dissatisfaction with life was a result of having studied Literature and one that relates directly to the topic of identity. Or that maybe we are all living in this era whereby we are aware of the better things that are beyond our reach.

How do people stay content with they have? Don't they wish for something better, something different? Aren't we all spoiled for choice in this Singaporean society? Haven't we been taught to strive for higher achievements, to elevate ourselves onto higher ground?

I'm not intelligent enough to tackle all this issues, yet here I am.

Anyway, the issue that is buzzing at the back my head is that of my academic path. I am fucking torn between Australia and Singapore, and Law and Psychology (and possibly Anthropology). Factors of costs, passion, practicality and a desire to leave this confining sunny island. I sound childish.

I think Slow Club is a good band to chill to. Bye.

Things People Have Told Me About Me That I Have Been Pondering Upon

2010-07-27T20:56:00.001+08:00

"You have the 'make funny faces' face."
"I never ever really could read you."

and...

"IT'S LIKE TALKING TO VIRGIN MARY."

Hiak hiak hiak.

In Repair

2010-07-17T18:47:00.002+08:00

Intrinsically Speaking

2010-06-29T22:42:00.001+08:00

There are many songs you'll come across, but there'll only be this select number of songs that you go back to for solace. At any point in your life.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

2010-06-20T22:24:00.001+08:00

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)

Ooo, baby, I need you now

2010-06-13T11:30:00.000+08:00

Nine months ago, I told myself to consistently repeat to myself that the coming nine months would arrive and pass in the blink of an eye (click here).

It was a bluff I had to keep up with.

These nine months have been fraught with countless emotionally epileptic moments where I had to convince myself that it's all for the better. Moments where I felt cynical and resentful at the current situation of things. Moments where I spent nights wondering if I could have and should have been devoted the time to doing other things which I definitely found greater joy and meaning in.

Now that this 'jiffy' is finally reaching its last letter 'y', I am relieved. Thank God.

Life Is Not Distant

2010-06-05T22:31:00.000+08:00

Life is not distant like that
It is mad
Just like a star that explodes
Or like notes
You should pretend not to know
It is slow

Feeling Like Shit

2010-05-29T10:38:00.001+08:00

I will endeavour to never get hungover again.

A New Era

2010-05-22T12:22:00.001+08:00

Hehe. Just checking things out from a different medium =)

Sarah McLachlan - Fallen

2010-05-15T08:44:00.001+08:00

I really really enjoyed last night =)

Note To Self

2010-05-02T11:34:00.004+08:00

Places to go:

Kinokuniya, Takashimaya (artsy piano pieces)
Borders, Wheelock Place (books)
Haji Lane (BBakery inclusive, for its cinnaman rolls)
Ann Siang Hill (chocolate cake that's not as simple as it sounds, and Books Actually)
Hairstylist (hair SUCKS)

Hear Hear

2010-04-30T22:57:00.002+08:00

Often psychic, water signs read your true intentions simply by reading your gestures and body language and will trust actions more than words (Pisces, particularly, has elevated this talent to high art).

I'm a fucking Pisces.

I don't feel alright in spite of these comforting sounds you make.
I don't feel alright because you make promises that you break.
Into your house, why don't we share our solitude?
Nothing is pure anymore but solitude.
It's hard to make sense, feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens.
If someone else comes, I'd just sit here listening to the drums.
Previously I never called it solitude.
And probably you know all the dirty shows I've put on.
Blunted and exhausted like anyone.
Honestly I tried to avoid it.
Honestly.
Back when we were kids, we would always know when to stiop.
And now all the good kids are messing up.
Nobody has gained or accomplished anything.

The Smiths

2010-04-18T02:39:00.006+08:00

You gotta love this song man.

2010-04-18T01:48:00.002+08:00

Just not too long ago, I went for an interview at SMU's Lee Kong Chian School of Business. A group of nine of us were interviewed by two lecturers and the questions were based on an article regarding multi-tasking and hyper attention. It was a refreshing candid experience and it invoked in me the feeling of reminiscence.

I miss the Literature tutorials where we were expected to have an opinion and to make a stand. It didn't matter if you sounded ridiculous or stupid and that you were laughed or scoffed at, because everyone was supposed to learn and grow from the myriad of perspectives presented so readily in class. Of course, there are the people who are smart enough to not repeat their mistakes and some who take a longer time, but at least everyone's views were respectfully given a hearing to.

The interview was just as such. I have not felt the childish exhilaration waiting for my turn to speak and the incremental pounding of my heart at the notion of voicing out in a long time.

I returned to camp, and I could not sleep that night. My mind was filled with flashbacks and future possibilities. The pendulum effect of traversing back and forth between the past and the uncertain future made me toss and turn. In my bed. That was still rooted to the floor on four supports.

I'm very afraid of many things in life. I fear stagnancy. I fear people moving on without me. I fear those recurring dreams of myself running without the end in sight, and falling through bottomless pits. I fear waking up from those dreams.

I fear that I'll amount to nothing in this society.

I'm tired of making myself feel interested and passionate about certain things. I'm tired of living multiple lies and telling different people different stories because they would never understand. I'm tired of getting annoyed at people who don't understand me and yet pass judgement so recklessly and without intelligent knowledge on me and on matters that I feel strongly about.

I hate myself for being harbouring so much resentment in trifle things. But it really is the small stupid things that tick me off. I hate myself for possessing such irrational fears and thoughts.

And to get things right, I'm not an unhelpful person. I'm just helpless at times when I'm expected to be helpful. And I know it is my bloody fault, and how stupid of me, for performing a dare I gave myself.

Not every aspect of life is a gift from God. When you force youself to assume a role not meant for you, well, you just have to learn things the hard way and realise that you have been made for great things in other areas. Because no matter how hard you try to succeed and perhaps how successful you eventually become in the roles not designed for you, you will never feel true joy as compared to doing the things that you love and have a penchant for.

I really do want more out of this existence. Much, much more.

I Had A Dream

2010-04-10T11:05:00.000+08:00

That I could fly from the highest swing.

I had a dream.

Next Book - The Fountainhead

2010-03-13T00:39:00.003+08:00

There was this one part where the main character, who is this architect, is sitting on a boat with his best friend, who is a newspaper tycoon. And the newspaper tycoon says that the architect is a very cold man. The architect replies that if the boat were sinking, and there was only room in the lifeboat for one person, he would gladly give up his life for the newspaper tycoon. And then he says something like this...

"I would die for you. But I won't live for you."

Temporal Escapades

2010-03-05T10:55:00.001+08:00

To think that a year ago on this day, my heart was threatening to leap out of my system.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I know I can't escape forever.

Flitting fleeting thoughts.

Second round, anyone?

I Walked With You Once Upon A Dream

2010-02-28T13:44:00.003+08:00

You know what's truly heart stopping?

It's finally seeing someone in person - someone whom you have been observing and admiring for a long time, someone whom you know only by his/her facebook/twitter/blog updates, someone who doesn't know you exist. But you virtually know almost everything about this person.

And then the two of you meet at the most unlikely of places. Or rather, you noticed him/her. And he/she, in disposition, turns out to be who you envisioned him/her to be. Your heart starts skipping beats. You pretend to continue whatever you were doing, but you are roaring inside.

Then, almost by telepathy, the two of you exchange a brief glance. Whatever remaining dregs of breath left inside your lungs are immediately discharged.

You wonder why you're still alive.

You are still reeling when the drama inside of your heart has been unfolded. He/She moves on, unaffected. You do too, but with battle scars.

Now I'm wondering when will I see Emma Watson at like... Simpang Bedok having a glass of teh tarik or something...

Edge of Desire - John Mayer

2010-02-21T02:04:00.001+08:00

Young and full of running
Tell me where has that taken me?
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity?

Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me,
For all of my trying
We still end up dying, how can it be?

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me,
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see,
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing, silently screaming,
"I have to have you now"
Wired and I'm tired
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

Barely Breathing

2010-01-29T23:34:00.007+08:00

I have so much that I want to say, but there never is a right time and suitable medium for me to voice things out. Weekends have been very occupied - some with friends, some with army stuff (yes, even on my 'rest' days).

I'm beginning to frightfully experience this bottleneck because there just isn't enough time for me to accomplish everything. And I want to accomplish everything within the sparing weekends that I've been allotted. It's to the point when I feel like I'm barely breathing.

I'm not one who laments about the wastage of resources brought about by national service, but right now, this highly sought-after, highly regarded course is sapping away my energy, life and humour. Why is there so much to learn - knowledge that clearly, I am well aware, has no bearing on my future - that time cannot satisfy and yet I am, albeit grudgingly, still trudging on?

Reading The Great Gatsby brought about radical ideas I've been pondering on. It seems everyone is working towards, in Fitzgerald context, social parties, property acquisitions and amassing wealth that we don't even know who we are or who are the people we interact with anymore. Myself included. And I have to admit it's a great feeling to know that you're in the loop of things, that people hold you in a respectable regard. And sometimes you feel compelled to perform tasks just to uphold that regard.

But when I take a step back and observe from a third person perspective, all these acts and behaviours are plain stupid and silly. I am sick and tired of pushing myself in the wrong directions, of feeling proud of achievements that don't mean anything, of feeling proud that I actually amount to something in the eyes of people who don't matter.

There is a parallel between Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby and Austen's Pride and Prejudice. And like I once Tumblr-ed, one should never refer to Austen's society like it merely and only existed in her world. This whole American dream thing is prevalent in today's society.

The other day, I teased my mum about her word to buy me a Macbook as a post A-Level reward. We were at my uncle's house and he had a Macbook on display. Then one day she specially brought me to an Apple store and told me to take my pick. Deliberately or not, she so successfully brought me on a guilt trip that I had to tell her it's okay and that I have no use for a new laptop.

I was supposed to utilise the time I used for blogging to accomplish my radio net diagrams. A net diagram takes about forty-five minutes to complete, and I have five under my belt. But I'm feeling a wee bit better now that I've gotten some stuff off my chest.

Beats doing fucked up net diagrams and forcing myself to memorise information that becomes obsolete easily and definitely irrelevant when I chuck my green uniform at the back of the closet.

On yet another day I was contemplating on how prior to the start of my primary, secondary and junior college term, my dad would fetch my mum and I to view the school and we'd explore places around the area. It then struck me that my dad can't possibly do this for my university. It'll be so weird. And if I were to eventually study at Australian National University, that notion would be entirely impossible.

Just a passing poignant thought.

2010-01-17T02:27:00.001+08:00

When was the last time I played the piano? =(

2010-01-03T10:44:00.002+08:00

I wish I had the brilliance to write beautiful poems which are undecipherable, in the way that people who read them feel like they must attempt to understand it but they are eventually more successful in pulling out their hair roots. (I experienced plenty of that in school.)

I read an Edgar Allan Poe tale to sleep last night and woke up with a headache.

Anyway I am sufficed to say that I can fly to Brunei in peace. I've pretty much done everything I wanted to do, save for going to the barber later to get my hair cut. I like the sensation of the razor scraping my sideburns and cheeks, akin to a near-death experience of sorts.

Oh and I'm making an irrationally big deal out of overseas training because it's actually only nine days and if you minus the first, last and recreation day I've got about six days. It is the unknown that I fear, aye. Nonetheless, do pray for me as I would do for myself haha.

Hokay headaching like I've got a hangover from doing nothing last night.

Oh yeah, happy new year!

2009-12-30T11:37:00.002+08:00

OMFG I almost forfeited my lesson. I'm utterly glad my senses caught up with me in the nick of time and I, however close, did not commit the mistake I vowed never to commit again. Thank God, thank God.

Okay going to meet Mum for lunch, and after that, Sherlock Holmes? Reviews have been raving.

The year 2010 signifies the year I turn twenty. I am speechless.

2009-12-27T14:51:00.002+08:00

As you grow by the years, you become more aware of the significant things around you. Things that prevail in the society you're in. And then you grow more jaded each day, as you realise how infinitesimally small you are.

So. Small.

2009-12-24T14:25:00.003+08:00

FREE ENTRY-ED MYSELF INTO REBEL LAST NIGHT BY SIMPLY WALKING IN. So crowded and smelly but cannot complain cause entry was free.

Yep this thrill is as cheap as it sounds.

2009-12-19T11:17:00.002+08:00

I REALLY LIKE HOW IT'S A CHILLY MORNING AND I'M LISTENING TO ALL THE GOOD SONGS IN MY ITUNES LIBRARY DESPITE BEING ON SHUFFLE AND I'M PLEASANTLY SIPPING MY CAFE MOCHA AND FEELING GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

Good morning all.

Service Term is ending in a couple of days. All I do everyday is pray to God that I get to wherever I want to go - something along the works of Logistics Officer. Haha. Anyway although I'm desperate for it, I'm still quite okay with wherever I'm posted to cause I know God will be there for me no matter what.

You know I've gotten the habit of talking to God. I bitch to God about some people I don't quite like, I exclaim to God on my daily happenings, I thank God for making my paths straight after all the bends and turns, I talk to God randomly like: hey God, I'm going to bathe now, don't peep!

Hard to believe that I'm agnostic sometimes. I feel like I've a religion of my own already.

2009-11-28T08:47:00.005+08:00

Hello all, I had this hugeass bao for breakfast and I used a fork and a knife to consume it.

Had dinner with best friend last night.

That's her room by the way. She says she'll help me do my room when I finally refurbish it. Yay then I'll be as cool and artsy. We hang out a lot, but we never take any photos. Yes, I took the photo off her facebook.

I am unable to elaborate on what I have been doing for the past few weeks because my memory doesn't span that far back, and I'm lazy to recollect, so I'll just harp on yesterday's shabu shabu dinner and that delicious peanut sauce we keep asking for.

There was a golden moment last night when it seemed as though she was trying to justify herself. Busy with eating, but listening, I thought to myself 'she's justifying herself', then she discontinued her speech and looked at me, said, 'I'm not justifying myself'. I wasn't even looking at her when I thought that; I was staring at my food.

And then we have so many plans for the future. Walking our dogs together and looking cool at ECP (!!!!!!), buying a bachelor pad (whoever has one first) and chilling out whenever we feel like, driving each other around in our cars, paying for each other's expenses when the other is down and out, in the future when we're earning money. But hopefully not, cause I've got man pride.

IndieKids FTW.

Condom balloon.

OCS ah.

I like how James, Priya, Char and I shared a cab home. It felt right, cause we're all easties, and a cab, by law, can take up to four adult passengers. And MacDonald's was just twenty steps away from SupperClub.

2009-11-28T08:18:00.003+08:00

10 Things You Want For Christmas:

1.More clothes.
2.Tentative Christmas plans to work out..
3.More money.
4.Gain mass.
5.Mehny mehny presents.
6.The next year to always be better than the previous ones.
7.A new piano/synthesiser.
8.A guitar teacher.
9.A nice pair of shoes.
10.Decrease the surplus population of acne pleaseeee.

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:

1.Radiohead.
2.John Mayer.
3.Ingrid Michael.
4.Kelly Clarkson.
5.The Smiths.
6.James Morrison.
7.Kings of Convenience.
8.Rachel Yamagata.

8 Things You Do Everyday:

1.Listen to music.
2.Read.
3.Tumblr.
4.Think about my life.
5.Check my mailbox
6.Listen to The Smith's at least twice.
7.Ponder irrelevant stuff
8.Check myself out in the mirror

7 Things I Enjoy:

1.Music.
2.My friends.
3.Reading.
4.Rainy mornings with a cup of earl grey.
5.Staying snugged in bed on cold mornings.
6.Eating.
7.Partying with the right company.

6 Things That Will ALWAYS Win Your Heart:

1.Honesty.
2.Nice hair.
3.Mellow speaking voice.
4.Good skin.
5.Galaxy-filled eyes.
6.Sharing the same sentiments as mine.

5 Quotes:

1.What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.
2.People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind.
3.If I can’t be beautiful, I want to be invisible.
4.You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it’s just teeth.
5.Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

4 Smells You Enjoy:

1.New books.
2.Waffles.
3.Familiar, distinctive smells of places I usually go to.
4.Euphoria. I haven't smelt that since secondary school days, when I was in the military band.

3 Place You Want To Go:

1.Greenland.
2.India/Vietnam/Philippines.
3.Manhatten.

2 Holidays You Love:

1.Christmas.
2.Deepavali.

1 Person You Would Marry On The Spot:

1. Emma Watson.

2009-11-14T19:34:00.005+08:00

I hate it when I'm so disgustingly two(or more)-faced. And that I do things I wish I didn't. Supperclub was good. I have to prepare to untag myself on many photos that are going to be unflattering, I know for sure. I have unexplained bruises on my elbows.

OCS has trained me well. I am surviving well on five hours of sleep, hangover-less and now I'm at Starbucks waiting for Jean and company for Shabu Shabu dinner.

Ingrid Michaelson is my amphetamine now. Wong so selfish never send me Battle Studies, nor Michaelson's latest album.

However artsy and indie I make myself to be, I'm still a pop boy at heart. Which is easily discernible by how I listen to You Belong With Me on eternal repeat and sing along to it with emotive gusto.

2009-11-01T08:51:00.006+08:00

I hardly dream when I sleep. When I do, it'll usually be an intensive one thats leaves me reeling when I wake up. Today/Last night's dream was no difference. I dreamt that I was an offender and, yeap you got it, I was on the run.

I was so certain last night that I would get a good night's rest. My bed felt right, I was comfortably snugged and the temperature was pleasantly chilly. I don't understand why I get more disturbing dreams than dreams that make me smile. Come to think of it, have I ever experienced the latter? I don't know.

This is not making me feel optimistic about life now, especially since I'm booking in later =( Gah I loathe this.

Hi, I don't think I've introduced my mum to the cyber realm before. This is one woman whom I feel vehemently ambivalent about. Haha this is weird but I thought I look nice in picture so I'm posting it. My buddy finds it slightly disconcerting that I'm so frank all the time.

Gonna be in the stark wilderness for the next ten days with zero means of communication with the outside world maybe except I still am under the same night sky as everybody else, only dirtier, unkempt, unbathed and unloved.

But you can always get to me through your God, so please ask God to talk to me often thanks. Perhaps request for a temporary suspension of rainy weather, in spite of the season I know, for the next two weeks or so.

While I'm out there scraping a survival, John Mayer will be performing live at Sydney this coming Thursday for his new album Battle Studies. I feel a bit better knowing that Wong, despite being in Aussie and some two hour drive away from Sydney, will not be going for the concert. Teeheehee.

No pain no gain, Marc, no pain no gain.

2009-10-17T10:29:00.003+08:00

My first pet spider, by the name of Charlotte, was thrown down a flight of four storeys by a classmate/teacher who was mortally afraid of them spiders. I cannot remember who did it, but I guess the reason why I don't remember is because he/she doesn't exist anymore. In my recognition as a human, that is.

I thought of Charlotte the other day. I wondered if she had managed to secure herself with a well timed-out shot of web on her way down.

If you, as a stranger, were to approach me and start our first ever conversation and embarkation of us being friends on alcohol, smoking, clubbing, sex and all the vices of which you are unabashedly proud of, go away. I may sound interested and responsive, but deep down beyond the artificiality of my behaviour, you have been blacklisted. We will never form any kind of meaningful and true friendship, and I feel no loss about it.

One more thing. You know how some people just squirm in disgust (in a disgusting way) when you talk about defecation, or even just use the word 'shit', in the middle of a meal? These people are able to, at the word, envision themselves feeding on faeces and they are thus appalled. They should venture into theatre. I wonder what happens if I talk about sex.

That is all.

2009-10-04T12:13:00.009+08:00

A long, long time ago, I came across this phrase quote at the underground tunnel connecting CityLink Mall to the Esplanade.

Not knowing which is worse - feeling like I will never get over you, or knowing that I will.

Which just about encapsulates the dichotomy everyone (at least, myself) faces. It's not about the context in which the quote was written, but the idea of being torn between either possible outcomes.

I'm oxymoronic when I say everyone (at least, myself). Hahaha. I like to think that the world spins around my fingers, then I realised that it wasn't such a good idea since I am not adept at(/in?) ball games. Nor at(/in?) any athletic aspect, for that matter.

And so, for most of the time, when things go woefully wrong, I tell myself that it is a phase, that God has everything planned out, and that I just have to Praise God and everything will turn out fine. And I will grow.

I extrapolate concepts well and I use them to my advantage.

Point? I haven't packed my stuff for my re-entry back to OCS tomorrow and I'm so lazy and I wish someone would just come over and help me pack and then I can just spend my Sunday sleeping, eating and playing the guitar.

I wonder if you have noticed the wonders of our MRT seats. They are actually quite reflective. So in the day, if there are no one at the seats opposite you, you can actually see the view passing behind you, on the seats.

Due to the concaved contour of the seats, the fleeting reflections have a fish-eye effect. Like a Holga.

And it's so beautiful. Even if it's just buildings. I find myself staring at the seats for the entire duration of my trip. Even if only one seat were unoccupied, my eyes will still be involuntarily drawn to the reflected images, like a motion picture on a seat. It's just damn nice. And I want a Holga camera.

I have been told that my girlfriend will have to go through these three girls first. I'm sure my girlfriend will be fine.

Okay end of photo post!

2009-10-02T04:05:00.001+08:00

Oh no oh no sinner sinner sinner.

2009-09-27T21:52:00.003+08:00

Service at the New Creation Church today was... amazingly enlightening. But I'm distracted right now, so my amazement is dispelled but I know I'll get it back when I collect myself. In the mean time, I gotta try to finish reading The Time Traveller's Wife and return Thaana her book before I go back to OCS (excitedZ).

To be continued.

2009-09-19T09:18:00.007+08:00

My eTrial test starts at 10.15am. (Edit: Failed the test on both tries.)
My Final Theory Test (FTT) starts at 11.45am. (Edit: Passsssshhed)
It's 9.20am now.
I have yet to read through the FTT manual.
I need new rubber fittings for my earphones.
I am going back to OCS.
'Nine months will be over in a jiffy' is a mantra I shall recite to myself religiously.
Nine months will be over in a jiffy.
Because it's still morning, my thoughts are still sanguine and dandy.
I know my thoughts will swerve and take a U-turn as day transcends into night.
My thoughts don't follow basic traffic rules. They would fail basic driving.
Driving doesn't quite matter anymore, seeing as how I would be deprived of time. (Edit: The results for my FTT are valid for two years so retaking is not necessary. Yay. )
I am trying to get mentally prepared for the recourse.
In case you haven't realised, I have a Twitter account and you can watch me. At the bottom of the right column of this dear blog.
It amuses me how my mood vacillates dramatically.
Bulletin blogging. Nice.
Nine months will be over in a jiffy.

2009-09-12T09:00:00.002+08:00

Morning world.

I've been having these bouts of emotional surges and riptides frequently, such that my emotional meter is like Axel's compass going haywire with electrical element in the atmosphere (Journey To The Centre Of The Earth).

I don't like to rant about things that I've long gotten over, but I have to say that I, for the first time this year, am starting to hate myself again. In A Level-fraught 2008, I have mentioned an approximate 239 times on hating myself, to myself.

I wish I hadn't deleted my Wordpress. There were a couple of brilliant writings in there, if I do say so myself =(

I realise I operate in an anti-situational way. It goes something like this:

I covet something that is not mine.
I work for it. I might even lie just to get my way
I get it. I'm happy.
Not for long, I start to feel encumbered.
I don't want it anymore.
Repeat cycle.

Somethingggggggg like that. But not exactly either. I think it has something to do with commitment phobia, but I don't know.

Like what Joseph says: Sometimes we've got to count our blessings. We have to know things, and not only feel things.

Which is why I hate myself. I don't know things, and my feelings are all jumbled up. It is kind of like a phase whereby I cannot find something that is worth living for, ya know.

I suddenly remember the comment Ms K wrote at the end of my 15/50 essay which is very relevant to this post.

Basically says nothing!

2009-09-03T19:53:00.005+08:00

Every day, upon leaving the office to the bus stop, I have to take a five minute walk down the hill. Today, I decided to eat a banana on the way down, at a leisurely pace. For the first time since my one month stint at the Department of Mysteries, strangers talked to me.

Shortly after I scanned my pass and left the building, a lady behind me started to strike a conversation on the time of the day, and the people rehearsing the flag-lowering ceremony, while I was peeling my banana.

Next, a Major walked by my side and asked how was my banana doing.

At the bus stop, another lady sat beside me, ate her tomato and asked when was the next bus coming.

I think I'll make it a habit to consume a banana on the way down to the bus stop every day.

2009-08-30T00:43:00.002+08:00

I learnt a great deal of a lesson today. Lying has its consequences and its burden.

It's funny how a lie that was conjured out of pure boredom, and a desire to stir controversial emotions in the people you are lying to, can turn into something that shackles you, something that effects unflattering judgement upon yourself.

I told the biggest lie ever, and thought it would be funny. But somehow, throughtout the night, it got increasingly difficult and taxing to keep up with it. And then things spun out of control.

Scary.

A good thing, though, that this is one lie that is shared by two others, so it wouldn't seem like I'm in self-denial or in some pathetic state of existence.

Well, I am in a pathetic state of existence, really. Just that it's nice to know you're not walking alone. Misery loves company. It's okay, I like misery. What the fuck am I talking about.

I must be feeling delirious.

I'm not someone who is devout to his religion(s). But I do thank God for everything he(she) has done for me, and I am convinced that I have a protector watching over me, watching me make my mistakes, guiding me back on my feet, and making sure that I learn.

Fuck yeah coping mechanisms =)

2009-08-23T14:31:00.003+08:00

I think I am too old for this, to quote from Cleopatra, well past my 'salad days'. Today is the first time I'm experiencing a minor hangover. A mild headache, though nonetheless still a headache.

It is indeed true that you meet different friends of different personalities and types in your life, and they all come and go at varying points. Each has a unique meaning to you, and you would hope some of them to stay on as friends for a long time.

A few years or even decades down the road, it'll be mighty intriguing to see who's here, and who's not.

2009-08-22T00:50:00.005+08:00

Honestly, what's the use of having obtained stellar grades in Literature, of having crafted impressively convincing argumentations of having deciphered the meanings behind metaphors, sarcasm, tone and all that literary techniques, when in a real-life situation, you are helpless?

When you watch the scenes unfold before your eyes, faster than your mind can intepret the nuances and innuendoes, whizzing past at lightning speeds such that you lose your power of speech. You are unable to understand in time; You are dumbfounded. And suddenly that A grade feels less substantial, less awe-inspiring.

Literature was supposed to take me beyond the classroom.

And I have failed at that.

2009-08-19T20:28:00.001+08:00

What was I thinking? Why wasn't I thinking?

2009-08-16T22:36:00.002+08:00

Earlier today, I was blog-hopping and I read the livejournals of G and R.

It's interesting, and I get envious, when I read the experiences of people in foreign countries. And when I compare it to my life in Singapore, I cannot help but feel sad. I'm not speaking as a dissatisfied army boy, but from the perspective of someone who has lived in Singapore all his life, and is probably gonna stay as that.

It's just... not fair sometimes.

2009-08-10T14:59:00.003+08:00

I was clearing my stuff and packing my room just now (and still am, it's been three hours) when I found a note given to me from a classmate for Friendship Week and she wrote a poem about me.

Marc's hand is like a dart
but should she really be beaten
if the people in the house could not fart?
'No!' is his answer to this deadly question,
for something so brutal must never be mentioned.

Marc is always hungry like a wolf
and eats in a manner that is unsooth
he will make many funny weird faces,
acting like he takes part in races.

Alas! he cannot
for his spine is curvy like a snake rod
Never mind if he always makes a mess
cause Marc is quite nice sometimes I guess.

That, totally cracked me up.

2009-08-10T00:17:00.002+08:00

Marina Barrage on Saturday for the first time. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do or who I'd be without them.

I like.

Dandelions!

2009-08-03T22:27:00.004+08:00

I'd almost forgotten what it feels like to be all alone, to take long walks in the middle of the night, to allow myself to sink and linger into my thoughts.

Especially so when you're all alone in your unflattering clothes at a MacDonald's and you stay on till late when bus and train services cease to operate. When you start leaving, (I know they are!) people wil stare at you because they're wondering if this young boy has a car since he has a laptop and all.

Then you leave by the entrance that leads to the carpark, and (I know they are!) these people will continue observing you, transfixed, because they then believe what they're seeing. The boy's going to his car. How lucky.

I want a car =(

2009-07-29T13:26:00.003+08:00

I used to call myself a helpless perfectionist because I thought perfectionism was a cool trait to have. Now, I think I have self-fulfilled the trait.

Why don't I feel any cooler?

2009-07-18T09:28:00.002+08:00

In Between

It's a state of precarious equilibrium,
In disequilibrium.
Of being neither here,
Nor there.

So comfortable, so fitting,
Yet knowing nature will eventually
Take its course.

You fear moving moving to either ends.
You fear tinted perceptions.
You fear stereotypical judgements.
So you choose to remain in between,
In woeful knowing ignorance.

And you are not happy.

2009-07-15T20:26:00.002+08:00

I'm caught in between. Again.

Flitting between two selves can be tiresome, especially when there is no one, and you don't let no one, to understand you.

I once told someone that I can live perfectly fine without friends, because I'm a solitary creature by nature, and I'm after all the kind of person who spends his time at Starbucks alone, goes for solo night walks and the likes.

But I thank God for friends. Without any, I would be in serious shit.

But there are just some things that you can't possibly share with your friends. Not when you haven't gotten the issue past yourself.

2009-07-12T14:46:00.003+08:00

Kin is basically one of those rare soft-spoken intelligent toddlers that makes you feel positive about marriage and family.

My mum did some facial therapy for me today. She put egg white on my face. The viscous liquid when dried made my face rather stiff. I scrunched my face in front of the mirror and saw the facial lines. I aged about twenty years before my eyes.

I don't want to grow old.

2009-07-10T23:38:00.001+08:00

My tumblarity has plummeted to zilch =(

2009-06-21T20:58:00.003+08:00

I've allowed myself to succumb to the Pygmalion effect.

Come to think be about it, it can't possibly be that bad, since it's prolly gonna help me get through the confinement of three weeks. Except that it may be a Hawthorne effect in disguise, but whatever.

I thank God for everything so far, because I believe that my hopes have been somewhat fulfilled. And now, I can only pray that I'll continue to be blessed =) Anyway, I know that there are plans for me, that even though I may not like it, I will eventually come to accept it, and like it.

Okay, see you guys around soon. Follow me on Tumblr, like my posts, and up my tumblarity or something.

2009-06-17T11:35:00.012+08:00

BANGKOK

Hello there. I'm back from, yeap, Bangkok. The trip was okay I guess, but I think I've gotten used to the idea of going overseas sans family. Somehow it just doesn't feel like a holiday when your family comes along. Haha. I'm not complaining.

I liked our hotel, and its boutique concept.

I liked how the rooms on each level had its own design.

The lounge room at the hotel lobby.

Hello there fedora.

Metal stairway where I emo-ed at on the first day.

Batman at the opposite rooftop.

If I had a rooftop like that, I'd chill out everyday, except that I'll prolly be under the scrutiny of hotel visitors.

A surreal experience. Got weirded out, though.

Nom. Nom. Nom.

Total damage. Considerably okay, since I had to lend money to the females, who had to air-freight back five lauggages, excluding the ones brought from Singapore.

Okay end of material post.

2009-05-29T10:49:00.011+08:00

UPDATE

I've been reading up on commitment phobia from many webpages. Insightful, but not very enlightening.

I'm so going to NUS FASS, and I'll try again next year to see if I can apply for a double degree. If not, I'll harbour hopes for a double major. The reason why I suddenly have the hots for FASS when I was so hung up on SMU Law is because of the very appealing Language Preparation Programme (LPP) that NUS offers. I HAVE TO GET INTO LPP TO FINALLY MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE.

Are people still reading my blog nowadays?

Okay I'll throw in a couple of pictures now.

Raffles Hotel ice-cream-nice-chill-out-uber-cool-atmosphere-high-chairs-and-tables place. Which reminds me that everyone owes me money for ice-cream. Assholes. I'm a poor NSF personnel please.

Chin Chin Eating House. We ordered... six courses? In the end everyone paid ten bucks only. Super good deal and good company.

The second night where no one recorded our performances. Damn.

Speaking of which, I've bought myself a guitar and am religiously playing it. I know right, I told the whole world that I'm an abject at playing the guitar. Well, at least I am getting to know myself better, now that I've overcome that stubborn belief.

To save myself from insanity, I've taken up the habit of writing a diary. I rant the most when I'm feeling disillusioned(Read: Emo). I surprise myself sometimes. I even wrote a poem which I think is a brilliant piece of work I never expected myself to be able to come up with - the imagery, diction and caesura whatnots. I rock.

I wonder how poets continually write poems, and brilliant ones at that. It seriously takes a lot of brain juice, and intense emotions.

Don't you think my posts always have this underlying ambiguity where you can't decide if I really mean something or I'm alluding to something else? Or when I under/overstate something. So cool right no wonder nobody ever really believes me when I tell the truth, or a lie, for that matter.

Value attribution. An interesting phenomenon I've read in this fucked-up book that tries, but almost always fails in many levels, to explain irrational behaviour of humans. Value attribution is almost synonymous with amodal perception.

I am going to get my degree in psychology even though I know I won't become a psychologist in future because there's just so much of myself, and retards out there, I have yet to decipher.

I still am going to set up a cafe in suburban France where I rear a cow and cultivate a strawberry garden in my backyard and I serve out-of-this-world scones with awesome homemade margarine and strawberry jam.

Twelve more days to POP; fifteen more days to Bangkok.

2009-05-03T14:17:00.002+08:00

Any arbitrary turning along the way, I'd be elsewhere; I'd be different.

Yesterday marks a significant milestone in my life because it was the first time getting on stage wasn't at all unnerving. Like, for my past nineteen years of existence, performing on stage to any audience was always very nerve-wracking. I don't know how to say but there is always this incredulous emotion overwhelming you when you recollect your milestones like 'Woah, I can't believe I went through that'.

Woah, I can't believe I went through that.

And so I'm now only a couple of hours away from the north-east island because the weekend passed in the blink of an eye.

Also, I'm supposed to have completed an essay but I'm barely halfway through, and I don't think I can go on any further because I have simply lost whatever flair I had for writing. Which irks me. But I have to finish it because confinement is not my cup of tea. This despite the fact that I was actually looking forward to doing the essay. I don't want to become stupid or any less intelligent than I used to be. It's a frightening feeling.

Give me rampant intellectualism as a coping mechanism. No prizes for guessing who said that. Starts with P, ends with alahniuk.

Any arbitrary turning along the way, I'd be elsewhere; I'd be different. The line just screams of possibilities, and makes you wonder.

Goodbye.

2009-04-26T15:10:00.000+08:00

2009-04-18T13:51:00.007+08:00

Seeing my platoon mates lamenting on the very upcoming field camp, I almost feel embarrassed that I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. Pray for a heat rash-free outfield experience for me thank you.

To the wilderness, lack of proper/decent sanitation, absolute marginalisation from civilisation, and the blanket of stars at chilly twilights.

2009-04-17T01:21:00.004+08:00

I sometimes imagine myself to be different from who I am in reality - traits like if I were athletic, if I were more orientated towards science subjects, if I behaved differently, if I were taller, if I had thicker eye-brows (I wish.), if I were fleshier, if I were dirt rich, if I were superbly intelligent, if I were an exemplary Law student.

I'd then envision the would-be life if I harboured those characteristics. The fantasizing actually gets me through whatever I'm going through, however inconsequential it may sound. My trails of thoughts are usually interspersed with impromptu ideas which allow me to space out for long periods.

Coping mechanisms. To actually reveal what goes on inside my mind is a bit of a shame.

My perfectionist nature is flawed. I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond, than a small fish in a big pond. I hate using that phrase but it succinctly sums up my opinion. I get easily affected when I'm being outshone. I want to be the best, but I don't want to work for it, and I want an upper-hand advantage with a solid footing. In short, I want to be perfect without having to sweat for it.

Ignorance is bliss. How can one possibly be truly happy then, knowing that there is always something one is being negligent of? Somehow I think Palahniuk is insidiously creeping and implanting his doctrines into my cerebral system.

I know right. Life is unfair, but I staunchly believe God is fair. Another coping mechanism.

2009-04-04T02:24:00.004+08:00

I realised growing up means that you become better able at putting up a front to handle a situation at hand. When circumstances require you to be reticent, you speak not a word more than you ought to; when you're expected to display enthusiasm and fervour, you do just that. Even if it's not who you are. Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Conformity is synonymous with adulthood. Deep down inside, we're all children who got onto the serious side of play-pretend.

More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.

2009-03-13T00:04:00.001+08:00

I'm six hours away from Tekong, and still very much wide awake, and worried that I have left something out from my packing.

These past few days have been nothing short of awesome. I raided cockroach nests armed with Baygon and a lighter for effective flamethrowing. There were at least fifty roaches that scuttled out from one of those nests. I went to a gay club called Play, got an initial culture shock, and emerged unscathed when the club closed, feeling like I have matured. I had a chill-out session at Tan Tock Seng Hospital's Starbucks till it closed, where I had my Signature Hot Chocolate and we discussed the tweakings of Franz Kafka, and anything under the sun, sans that nagging feeling of You Should Be Studying Now Marc. We left Starbucks feeling very contented.

I am very, very thankful for what God has given me. Funny friends, decent A Level grades, and a whole load of money hahahahaha. I pray that God continues to be nice to me.

I am pretty excited excited to be embarking on the next chapter of my life, the new and, hopefully, familiar faces I am going to meet, the fresh experiences, all that is going to add on to the life of my years of existence.

Don't hesitate to send a message to me if you feel like it, I would want to maintain a respectable amount of communication and exchange of information with the outside world while I'm marginalised. And don't go spamming my tagboard writing unpleasant stuff okay cause I will be unable to retaliate, for obvious reasons. If you do, you're DESPICABLE.

Remember me please, with hair.

I'll miss my girls.

Hello future, goodbye past. Godspeeeeeeeeed.

2009-02-24T14:12:00.008+08:00

I had a recurring dream last night. The theme was tomatoes, and how it can be used to save the day. I think it was because I swallowed a halved baby tomato last night just for the fun of it. Tomatoes are evil in that way.

The witch came back. She was your typical goth witch, all decked in black clothing and accessories, sans the tall witchy black hat witches are renowned for. Upon seeing her at my room window, the past came back to me and I recalled how she feared tomatoes and the logo of MOE. I conjured up a MOE sticker and stuck it on my window as an amulet to keep the witch from entering my house. It looked like the kind of decal placed in cars:

True enough, the witch was screaming at the sight of it. Funny though, besides magically appearing at my window at the start of the dream, the witch was more of a gadget-y kind of witch, instead of the conventional Wiccan witch. While I was rummaging through my refrigerator for tomato-based products, the witch was riding this Transformer-like robot and attempting to annihilate me through the window. She never managed to fire at me because I threw full grown organic tomatoes at her. There was a tomato garden in my refrigerator.

Then, I also felt compelled to save my friends. I remember that there were many of them I had to save, but I only recall one. It was a Meerca from Neopets. The Meerca played the supporting role in this dream, because it stuck with me all the way, and eventually I killed it by accident.

I soon realised that the house wasn't safe enough because the witch was starting to become impervious to my tomatoes and I had to snuck them out to avoid them getting obliviated by the witch's cannon gun which never got the chance to fire itself. To protect them, I conjured up more logos and gave it to them. Somehow, I wrapped the logo around the Meerca's head, thinking it would protect him better this way.

After sending them away, I called someone/something to check up on them, and I was told that the Meerca had died because he suffocated in the plastic decal. I think there are a couple of symbols in this dream but I'm a bit lazy to go figure them out. Moral of the dream could be that the logo is anti-witch material, and tomatoes are tools to creating a superhero day. Now that I've come to talk about it, the dream doesn't seem to feel like a recurring one anymore.

And now Priscilla Ahn's Dream is stuck in my head.

Anyways, on a happier and less morbid note, check this out:

My grandmother's having her 78th birthday celebration this coming weekend. Do drop by if you're around the area. Oh, I will not be there because I'm flying off to Taiwan this coming friday morning. Yippee. So if you're intending to visit my grandmother, give her my regards and tell her that it was I was asked you there. I don't know if my grandmother will miss me, since we celebrate our birthdays together. Yes, I share the same birthday as my grandmother, except that she celebrates her Chinese birthday while I ditch my roots and go for the Gregorian birthday.

Seventy-eight years... That's quadruple of how long I've lived.

2009-02-21T00:39:00.008+08:00

Till this moment I never knew myself.

I am hoping that there will come a time when I am able to apply Elizabeth Bennet's revelation to myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm living multiple lives, behaving vastly differently when in the company of different people. Even with those whom I feel most comfortable with, I don't feel like I'm being myself. It feels like the proverbial and clichéd identity crisis, but definitely not as emotive or catastrophic as how some make it out to be.

It's not even like Cleopatra's multi-faceted personality whereby one is simply defined as versatile and unpredictable. It's a melting pot of conflicting aspects of myself - me behaving exactly the way I abhor myself to be, me behaving entirely out of sync, just altogether making me feel like slapping myself because I'm not accepting myself.

I think the word flirting is misunderstood and very overused and anyone who uses that word without consideration should be guillotined. I'm sick and tired of know-it-all noobs who conclude a person is flirting just by observing how enthusiastic or talkative he or she is to another person. Just because you're not as friendly, or as eloquent, doesn't mean anyone else who is is a flirt. Bloody losers. When people judge on superficial grounds without any concrete or remotely substantial evidence, they are practising what is known as amodal perception.

Everyone is guilty of that, really. Me too. But at least I know that different people have different means of interaction with others and I don't simply, readily deem others as being a flirt and then spread that around to other people. Don't be so shallow and stop watching Gossip Girl lah okay.

Miss them many many. Everyone seems to be so busy.

We got featured on Mumtazz. We're superstars now.

Friends from SIM. Nice people.

When everyone else thinks I'm weird, she understands quite a bit from my perspective, or at least pretends to convincingly. Loves KBox like I do.

Bye.

2009-02-18T00:50:00.004+08:00

I just spent a whole hour cooped up in my room, lights out, air-conditioning on and snuggled in my bed comfortably. Listening to songs on shuffle mode. It was interesting to observe how the surroundings of my room was stagnant and unchanging, yet my mood was experiencing myriad shifts and alterations in accordance to the song being played.

Gradually, I started skipping the fast songs to slower ones, and I could feel my heart beat at a relaxed and steady pace. It felt a bit like nirvana, in my opinion. Whatever.

I had a dream last night. I was being chased by mobs of people. Again. This time, it was at a shopping mall which seemed slightly backdated. There were no lifts, only stairs. I remember running with someone else. As how all my dreams of escape go, the chasers never caught me, yet they were perenially hot on my heels. Ever so close.

When I finally reached the exit, I woke up. Funny thing was, the outside was bright and sunny, the rays of light almost blinding. Yet, in the shopping mall, it felt as though it was night. You know, there is always a felt difference between night and day when you're indoors. I can't really explain it succinctly, but you just know, right?

I am dying to recall the person who was running along with me, but who didn't seem to make it to the exit.

Okay, I am kind of starting to creep myself out. Okay bye.

2009-02-09T01:02:00.002+08:00

It is true that friends influence who you are. When you hang around with each other often enough, mannerisms and thoughts experience osmosis-like interaction, a fusion of character traits and personalities.

Do you follow suit when your friends start changing, growing, shedding their old personalities and statuses, and altogether being someone you barely recognise anymore?

Yeah, one can always adapt to situations, perform the same osmosis-like interaction. After all, aforementioned is the ever-constant symbiotic relationship between friends. I'm not dissatisfied with where I am, but however much I... What's that word? Assert? The compulsion is still there. To accustom oneself. The only constant is change.

Exaggeratedly theatrical, melodramatic Marc.

You know, once you realise you're becoming different from your friends, you start drifting away. No common topics, no consensus, therein implicit definitions behind the usual conversations. Or perhaps I'm just thinking too much, as usual.

Exaggeratedly theatrical, melodramatic and unnecessarily pensieve Marc.

What happened during your adolescent years Marc?

2009-02-04T23:16:00.003+08:00

Falling, what the child fears, what the man dreads, is itself the image of death, of the defencelessness of the body, of its frailty and mortality, its absolute subjection to alien causes. Even in a harmless fall in the road there is a little moment of horror when the faller realises that he cannot help himself; he has been taken over by a relentless mechanism and must continue with it to the end and be subject to the consequences.

'There is nothing more I can do'

不是我不明白.